Frozen Turkey? Have No Fear!

The perfect golden turkey. A Martha Stewart-esque color-coordinated table setting with cutesy handmade place cards. A variety of several delicious side dishes, fresh rolls and desserts, all cooked to perfection and ready at precisely the same moment. Everything conjured up from scratch and organic wherever possible...

These were the high standards my sister and I set for ourselves last year in preparation for our family's Thanksgiving feast. Due to circumstances, we happily volunteered to cook and pull together the ENTIRE meal for our family from stuffing to pumpkin pie. We were both excited to tackle the task with gusto! However, my sister is a vegetarian, so it was me flying solo on Turkey duty. (Mind you - I had never once roasted an entire bird, let alone a 12-pound turkey in my life).

All was going smoothly, until I went to grab the turkey out of the fridge at 10:00 a.m. That's when I stared down in utter disbelief and had a minor Thanksgiving meltdown. It was a frozen block of turkey-ice.

So, with this cooking-centric holiday only a few days away, I'm here to share with you what your average cookbook will not: how to actually pull off a successful Thanksgiving turkey dinner, beginning with the first ingredient: one very frozen turkey.

Chronological steps to take, upon realizing your turkey is frozen solid on Thanksgiving morning:

1. Panic. This will probably occur naturally.
2. Place phone call to culinary-talented boyfriend (or friend or family member) hyperventilating, eyes welling up in tears. "Please help me, what do I do?!"
3. Deep breaths. "You will not ruin Thanksgiving dinner," they say. Take this person's reassuring and sound advice, and begin defrosting the turkey in a clean kitchen sink under running lukewarm tap water.
4. Be patient. For the next 1 ½ hours, (I suggest wearing an apron and popping in a good CD), slowly massage the turkey to defrost. Make sure water pours into the cavity and that it stays lukewarm. Hot water will start cooking the turkey, which is bad.
5. Slowly work open the cavity.
6. Have vegetarian sibling, who is in charge of cooking side dishes, take photograph of you in utter horror. Brace yourself. You’re about to remove the neck and giblets from inside the turkey cavity.
7. Scream and shriek together when you remove the turkey neck from the cavity. Do a “that was so icky” dance around the kitchen.
8. Follow Ina Garten’s recipe for the perfect roasted turkey (below). She's a miracle worker in the kitchen and I find that her recipes are always straight-forward and give you amazingly precise results.

Perfect Roast Turkey

Courtesy of Ina Garten's cookbook, Barefoot Contessa, Parties!

Ingredients:

1 stick unsalted butter

1 lemon, zested and juiced

1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme leaves

1 fresh turkey (10-12 pounds)

Kosher salt

Freshly ground black pepper

1 large bunch fresh thyme

1 whole lemon, halved

1 Spanish onion, quartered

1 head garlic, halved crosswise

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Melt the butter in a small saucepan. Add the zest and juice of the lemon and 1 teaspoon of thyme leaves to the butter mixture. Set aside.
3. Take the giblets out of the turkey and wash the turkey inside and out. Remove any leftover fat and leftover pinfeathers and pat the outside dry.
4. Place the turkey in a large roasting pan. Liberally salt and pepper the inside of the turkey cavity. Stuff the cavity with the bunch of thyme, halved lemon, quartered onion, and the garlic.
5. Brush the outside of the turkey with the butter mixture and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Tie the legs together with string and tuck the wing tips under the body of the turkey.
6. Roast the turkey about 2 ½ hours, or until the juices run clear when you cut between the leg and thigh. Remove the turkey to a cutting board and cover with aluminum foil; let rest for 20 minutes.
7. Slice that turkey and serve!

In the meantime, while the turkey is roasting and you are preparing succulent side dishes, set the table. Click here for the official Martha Stewart "How to Set a Formal Dinner Table" guide. Light candles for added ambiance. This is what our final dining room table 'scape looked like last year.

Have faith! I PROMISE that you do, in fact, have the culinary ability to cook a delicious Thanksgiving turkey, (though I highly recommend NOT starting with a frozen bird). Turn to the defrosting steps above only as your emergency contingency plan. You can also be reassured that the Barefoot Contessa's "Perfect Roast Turkey" recipe is quite tasty (frozen turkey or not) - we received rave reviews all around even before the pumpkin pie.

Best wishes for a happy holiday, and good luck with your culinary adventures!